Non so, il tutto e greco a me!

A new beginning...

2011-01-20T20:44:00.000+13:00

The Life Formula

http://thelifeformula.blogspot.com/

5 years time...

2009-03-31T00:50:00.003+13:00

Oh, well, in five years time we could be walking round the zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you

And there’ll be love in the bodys of the elephants too
I’ll put my hands of your eyes, but you peek through

And there’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our bodies.
And sun, sun, sun
I’ll die in next
There’ll be sun, sun, sun
All over our faces
And sun, sun, sun
So, what the hell

‘cause i’ll be laughing around your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we use to smoke
All those stupid little cigarretes and drinks to put wine
‘cause it’s what we need to have good times

But it was fun, fun, fun
When we were drinking.
It was fun, fun, fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun, fun, fun
When we were laughing
It was fun, fun, fun
Oh, it was fun.

Oh, well, I look at you and say: “it’s the happiest that i’ve ever been”
And i’ll say: “I no longer feel that I have to be James Dean”
And you say: “yeah, and i feel a pretty happy too, and i’m always pretty happy when i’m just thinking about with you”

And will be love, love, love
Love throught our bodys.
Love, love, love
All throught our minds
And will be love, love, love
All over her face
And love, love, love
All over our minds.

And i’ll remember all these moments suggesting my head
I’ll be thinking about then and there’s lying in bed
And i know that you believe that might not keeping come through
But in my mind i’m having a pretty time with you

Five years time
I might not know it
Five years time
We might not speak
And five years time
We might not get along
Five years time
We might to prove me along

Oh, there’ll be love, love, love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love, love, love

So just what is Real Life anyways...?

2008-02-08T18:56:00.000+13:00

I was curious so I downloaded it... I signed up and started recreating myself in pixels... I wanted to be different. I wanted to be authentic. I wanted my avatar to look physically as much as I do as possible. I didn't want to have some pencil thin barbie looking "thing" representing me in this virtual world! That's how it started at least... but as I spent more time there my avatar changed... some would say grew... I think it still looks a bit like me, but maybe with the physical "flaws" taken out... no extra weight... maybe a little taller... no scars... no spilt ends... no hairy legs or unplucked eye brows :) Maybe that's the attraction of Second life... we can be (physically at least) who we feel we are on the inside... attractive, confident... If we can't walk, well in second life we can. If we are allergic to the sun, in secondlife we can bath in sunlight without fear... Maybe in second life we have a chance to wipe the slate clean... to start again... no one has to know our pasts (even though they tend to follow us anyways)... we can attempt to redeem ourselves whether physically, intellectually or emotionally. I say attempt as I'm not sure how successful t really is... Maybe for the majority this is not the case. It is just a game in which they are able to draw strong distinctions between RL and SL. There is no cross over. Although I've yet to meet these people...

One thing I can't help but notice... If this is the attraction to second life, living, being who we think we are really designed to be (whether that be good or bad)... How much stronger should the attraction or repulsion be to God? God who offers a blank slate? God who offers a second chance? God who offers positional perfection and promises to love us fiercely, relentlessly, until the layers of damage have been peeled back to reveal the Real Life in us... The Real you and me he created...

Renewed efforts take two?

2007-08-02T01:40:00.000+12:00

Well so much for going at it. Two months later almost to the day here's post number two.

Why is it so hard to keep in touch with friends who aren't in your face and I don't mean their personalities I mean their geographical location. I have several wonderful people in my life whom I haven't talked to in months, or maybe even years... Jarret that means you!! The stupid thing is I can't remember your last name to look you up... I only have an old hotmail address and with the mear global domination of google who has one f those anymore? Heidi in the states, meine German amigos, Dee... how do you do it? How do you keep in touch with the ones you love in a way that is meaningful but not at the cost of a plane ticket?

Skype... I've heard that's a good one... but it means the other person has to have it too... Anyway - if you've got any ideas let me know...

Oh, and small confession... I've recently caught up with an old school friend from when I was about 12 - he's just gotten engaged! Yay... well when I was about 11 or 12 my friend and I called up this guy (thinking it was a different guy) and my friend tld him i liked him... I was mortified when I worked out it was the wrong one... oh well... my past cannot hurt me, right? :)

Renewed efforts...

2007-05-31T13:51:00.000+12:00

It's a continual journey - this discovered more about how God put us together (speaking in the royal sense of 'we'). Part of that for me has been learning or re-learning what I need to keep my batteries charged. You have no idea what a relief it is to find out that your hours of 'day-dreaming' are actually the means by which you learn and process, and indeed make decisions. I need to think. Desperately. I also need to write. Not for anyone in particular but to learn and to process. To reduce stress as all that spirals round and round in my head is spilled out onto page... I don't expect that anyone really reads this and I don't think it's that important to me...I read it. That's important. I have no agenda (that I'm aware of) just a place to process. So this is my new discipline... spiritual or otherwise. Not a diary or a journal for I have one of those but my own percolator.

My Confined Space: Kitty - Destroyer of Worlds

2006-07-07T15:51:00.000+12:00

My Confined Space: Kitty - Destroyer of Worlds

The Maze...

2006-06-26T01:16:00.000+12:00

Imagine being stuck in one of those hedge mazes... lost... not knowing which way was north let alone which way was out... One moment frantically running, thinking if you can just move fast enough you will get to the end... The next moment curled up in a ball, hiding in a corner, waiting for it all to end... The branches tear at your skin everytime you fall... the ground cold and hard, without comfort. You pass others in the maze, some too busy to stop and help for they are running too... Some you pass, unaware that they are trapped... blisfully wandering. Others promise they way out but upon close examination you realise that they haven't got the answers... They are as lost as you... In exhaustion, you crumble to the ground, spent. Nothing more to give. Then you hear it... the still small voice... the whisper... "Stand up..." you cannot move... you are too tired... "Trust me... Stand up..." As you struggle to drag your feet under you, you feel a strong hand grip your arm and lift you to your feet. Standing, the maze doesn't seem quite as tall anymore... infact you can see over the walls for miles...

"Come, follow me..."

2006-03-23T15:11:00.000+12:00

This is Dave - the guy who reckons he can handle me for the rest of his life... (He's not a natural blond - that was my doing!!)

2006-03-23T15:10:00.000+12:00

Forthose who haven't had the update - that's not a huge disgusting pimple but a nose stud (we're having one of the little leftover diamonds made into a nose stud too... i'm sure Grandma wouldahve been thrilled!! :P

2006-03-23T15:09:00.000+12:00

The fourth temporary engagement ring :)

2006-03-23T15:08:00.002+12:00

Parachute sunset...

2006-03-23T15:08:00.001+12:00

Some of the kids at Parachute Music Festival

2006-03-23T15:08:00.000+12:00

Amelia - the kidknapped naki flatmate who we're never letting go!! :P

Life is a funny thing... Update

2006-03-23T14:30:00.000+12:00

Davie's version: "I asked. She said 'yes'"

Tere's version:

So here I am, authenticating some passport photos after the morning service when Dave's sister walks into church and hands me a miniature red rose and an envelope, then promptly leaves :) Leaving the envelope unread I finish signing off the photos, then sit on the church steps contemplating what could possibly be in the envelope. (I had been warned) I discussed it with a few friends then decided to take a risk and open it. All it said was "Favourite tree 1pm"

Now, before you ask, I do have a favourite tree and I do know where it. It's a huge Morton bay fig in Cornwall park. Da used to take us there and bounce us on the huge ranches. I had my 16th birthday party under that tree (a few of you may remember it - 'purple' party... pass the life saver with a too thick between your teeth) and just the day before we had kidknapped my flatmate for her birthday and had a picnic under the same tree.

So, I mucked around for 40 minutes waiting for it to be close to 1pm... Not too early that I ruined any surprise but not too late that he thought I wasn't coming. I drove past the tree looking for a park and saw Dave pacing under the tree. It looked like a giant daisy chain was strung from the tree (Olivia once told him he couldn't make a daisy chain, so he did and gave it to me). I found a park and heade toward the tree where he was pacing... When he finally saw me he lay down on his side and tried to look all casual like he'd seen me coming :)

He had laid out a couple of picnic blankets (overlaid) and scattered rose petals around it. In the corners were pink hibiscus flower and what I thought was a daisy chain, were actually a dozen white roses hanging from the branches above.

I got there and couldn't stop talking I was so nervous...

Finally he said 'well, I'm not one to muck around', got up on two knees (we were sitting down) and said some awfully nice stuff about me that I can't remember (be together forever, that kind of thing) and then asked me if I would marry him.

Now, many people stop me at this point in the story and asked me if I kept him hanging for a minute or two while I thought about it, but alas, I was so nervous I only just managed to get out a 'yes'.

This is where it gets funny :)

Dave pulled out a ring (temporary one as we are getting my grandmother's ring reset) and put it on my finger but it only went halfway down. I laughed and he explained that he was having another one resized but the jeweller had taken two weeks and it still wasn't ready on the day so he took a guess and got another one.
Rather than just wear it on another finger I decided to look for a substitute... We tried weaving a leaf, a bit of grass but finally stumbled across a piece of nylon kids craft string that was yellow and glittery so Dave wove me a ring out of that. We then decided that although it was cute that we should get a more permanent temporary ring so went to St Luke's after having lunch together and got matching ones (sickly cute, I know).

Funnier still was that Dave had brought a bottle of wine as some Dutch courage, but also hadn't eaten all day so needless to say, I had to drive :P

So that's the story... Sorry it's so late. On the way are some photos too!

Kia kaha - Tere

Up and coming...

2005-11-28T17:25:00.002+13:00

A new talent has been unearthed.... check it out...

http://me-myself-n-i.deviantart.com/

epilogue ot my theology in film paper...

2005-11-28T17:25:00.000+13:00

All my life I have been asking myself the wrong question- ‘what’s wrong with me?’ It’s the wrong question. We all view the world through a paradigm, so why not ourselves as well? What underlying assumptions and questions are there when we look in the mirror?
Main stream media is driven by the consumer market which in turn, thrives off consumers. Media is also geared to answer the questions we ask of it. If my question s is ‘what is wrong with me,’ I am quick to be told not thin enough, not rich enough, not beautiful enough, not powerful enough, and not successful enough. So what are the solutions? In step the advertisers – pills programmes, seminars, diets and treatments – all geared to fix the problem of the answer to the wrong question. We buy the stuff – it doesn’t fix our wrongness, so we ask the question again – seamless cycle. What scares me is that I can ask the same question of Christianity and get a similar answer. What’s wrong with me? I don’t pray enough, you don’t read your bible enough, you don’t spend enough time in silent solitude, and you don’t worship enough, or sponsor enough children. And the solution? Buy a book, listen to sermon, follow this prayer liturgy… None of these things are bad in and of themselves however we can turn them into a 21st Century legalistic work, flogging ourselves out of the church and out of faith, trying to fix something God never asked us to fix; all because we asked the wrong question.
‘Hollywood’ tells us that we have two options – escape reality and become what we are not or be miserable because you are who you are. Never once do they suggest we should take honest account of ourselves, work out what is DNA and can be worked on. God didn’t design us without limitations. We have physical bodies that have limits – they can be pushed, yes, but never broken. We have certain brain chemical mixes that determine personality, intelligence and abilities – these can be grown altered and repressed but only within certain parameters.
I think many (including myself) tackle life from the wrong end. Like an upside down triangle we tackle behaviours, attitudes, maybe even values first and find the results all too often temporary- like pruning a tree to cure a disease in the roots. Whereas, if we were to start at the other end and change the underlying world view, then work out the parameters of our individual design that we have to operate within we would all cope with life a whole lot better, be a whole lot happier and probably more effective to boot (but I could just be selling another seminar…)
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with us, and by wrong I mean in ‘who I am’ as opposed to ‘what I do’. If our underlying assumption is that something is wrong with us then we will never be able to accept the things about us that are good, we will continually reject ourselves and we will always question God’s blessing in our lives. There is also something in the very DNA of human nature that knows wrong must be punished. I’ll bet (not that Christians should of course – that would be wrong) that it’s part of every culture. If ‘I’ am wrong then ‘I’ must be punished. Physical self harm. Self sabotage – to prove to the rest of the world that you’ve been tight about your ‘wrongness’ all along. Fear – that if you try and succeed someone will discover your wrongness; call you out as a fraud and you’ll loose any acceptance you might have. So if this is the ailment – to which my whole being calls out ‘amen!’ what is the medicine?
Hearing, believing then turning into the underlying assumption of your worldview the following….
But now. Two of the most beautiful words to the ears of a sinner who realises his woeful state.

21But now, apart from the law, the righteousness of God has been disclosed, and is attested by the law and the prophets, 22the righteousness of God through fait in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction, 23since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; 24they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith. He did this to show his righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over the sins previously committed; 26it was to prove at the present time that he himself is righteous and that he justifies the on who has faith in Jesus.

the core of the issue...

2005-09-21T11:52:00.000+12:00

What makes us human? That core, unchanging, eternal element of humanity that cannot be taken away from us... cannot be turned off...

This flows through my thoughts following earlier ponderings as to whether or not, if marooned on a desert island by my self, unable to 'do' anything for God, if he would still love or want me...
Now the conclusion I came to is 'of course stupid!' it has nothing to do with what we can do for God for we cannot do anything he cannot do himself...

The next leap in my reckoning is what if I were in a car accident? Tragically wounded to the verge of death... left cruelly blind. deaf, mute, paralysed and brain damaged... do you see where I'm going? Do I cease to be human?

Is my humanity contained in my abilty to see? The blind would tell you 'no'.
Is my humanity contained in my ability to hear? The deaf would tell you 'no'.
Is my humanity contained in my ability to speak? The mute would tell you... well... 'no'.
Is my humanity contained in my ability to run, dance, or play?
To think, reason or feel? I'm beginning to think... no.

Can this accident or indeed anything, take away my humanity?

Or are we defined by something else? The only thing I can think of that does not cease to exist in the event of any of the above happening is my position in regards to others... ie I remain my mother's daughter, my friends friend and most of all God's child...

There's more to be thought on this but not right now... I have assignemnts to do!!

2005-09-07T17:38:00.000+12:00

cuteness...

2005-09-07T17:37:00.000+12:00

I think he got the wrong one...

2005-09-05T17:00:00.000+12:00

the new carport

2005-09-05T16:59:00.000+12:00

The new deck and new doors!

2005-09-05T16:57:00.000+12:00

I'm still speechless about this one...

I believe...

2005-07-07T01:04:00.000+12:00

I believe life is more than survival
I believe the heart is more than a muscle
I believe we can know right from wrong
I believe in hope and freedom
I believe my life can make a difference
I believe the message of the cross
What do you believe?

(Romans 10:9-13, Ephesians 2:8-10)

See the art in me...

2005-06-02T23:12:00.000+12:00

Images on the sidewalk speak of dream’s decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In your picture book I’m trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, see the art in me

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity’s been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

In your picture book I’m trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, see the art in me

-jars of clay

I gave my mum an unfinished picture for her birthday today. It received a number of positive comments which I thought was unusual. You see for me, when I look at the picture, I see the work still to be done; the imperfections and mistake... when others look at it the see art.

When I look at myself I see the mistakes, the growing still to be done; all my imperfections on a living canvas. God looks at me and sees the finished work of art he is creating...

Another rant....

2005-05-02T16:18:00.000+12:00

What do we place the measure of our self worth in? Do we measure is y cognitive function or creativity? Physical strength, attractiveness or virility? Is it in our ability to be 'nice' to everyone, make people laugh, cry or experience any other conveyor belt emotion?

The answer I'd love to give, especially as a Christian, is no, of course not, but the more I look around at the Christian Marketplace the more I see this isn't true. Consumer churches, generic interchangeable worship teams, sermons-in-a-can... Are we any different? Yes, we offer Jesus, but can we do it without the Hugo Boss and cosmetic war paint? How come I get the feeling there cool Christians and uncool ones? Didn't Jesus come to break down those barriers?

If we hold on to the secular measuring stick what can we possibly hope to offer the 'ugly' 'stupid' and 'unlovable'? I use those words harshly but with good intent. Does God love me because I'm intelligent? No. Funny? No. Attractive? No. If I was to wake up tomorrow blind, dumb, deaf and paralysed. I Know Jesus would still be at my side with his arms around me.

So then, all these measures that I hold so tightly to, become irrelevant, which is terrifying, isn't it? For they define the very core of me, don't they? I am defined by what I look like. It means I can be told apart from others. I am defined by what I do and the skills I have. I am defined by my ability to make others react in a particular fashion, esp laughter. But do any of these things define my value? If they do then we immediately enter into our own caste system where people are ranked according to value. You cannot tell me this doesn't happen in Christian circles too? Even Paul had to address it in the church at Corinth, explaining that no one gift was better than the others. For us? Look at the Hallenstein and Glassons clones that inhabit our worship teams... and heaven forbid a speaker should ge tup on stage in jeans and a t-shirt (unless of course there is a suitable Christian alternative label to be worn).

Now I"m not knocking all these things (well, yes I am). I'm just at the point where I cannot use them to measure my value.
God doesn't work like that. He can't work like that, because then his love for me is dependent on me and that is doomed to fail.

You can't complete this sentence "God loves me because I _____" you can only say "God loves me because He _______"

that is our foundation, that is our cornerstone. That is the fundamental, underlying simple truth that God has been whittling me down to.

He loves me because he_____ I have no say in the matter. I can either reject it, making God a liar or I accept it as the constant on which to rebuild who I was designed to be.

Growing pains...

2005-04-11T17:17:00.000+12:00

Did you ever wonder why you either look back at your teenage years and either shudder or sigh with nostalgia? I'm one of the ones who shudders. Would I go back? No. They weren't that horrible but who wants to live with that kind of confusion, tension, embarrassment and chaos?

The amusing thing is, I've discovered that your spiritual life also goes through stages. I've hit the teenage years...
I honestly feel like I am experiencing spiritual and mental growing pains. It hurts... nothing fits properly and I am neither child nor man. It sux.

Wild at heart...

2005-04-07T18:07:00.000+12:00

I've just finished reading the book by John Eldrige called 'Wild at heart'. If you're a Christian bloke - read it. If you're a Christian chick - read it. AS a chick you might not like it at it does away with the image of the 'nice Christian guy'... but that's not what i'm here to talk about. Read the book for yourself and let me know what you think.

I want to know where the book is that tells us how to be real women! Have a look at the chicks in scripture... a close look. Are they really what we paint them to be? Subserviant, docile, eager to please... a dutiful house wife... most guys, well some guys anyway, will will cheer 'here here!'. Or do we have to other extreme, what the world would have us be. Either a ball busting, control freak, type A, wanna be bloke who scares the crap out of most people, or a bikini clad, rocket scientist and enjoys running half naked in the surf while finding the cure for cancer?

I don't know what the answer is yet, but I'm not particularly interested in any of these models... there must be more to being a woman of God...

Post adrenaline low

2005-03-29T22:56:00.000+12:00

Easter camp has finished. Pizza has been eaten. Raro packets consumed. Now what do I do? I took a day of and slept. Heaps.

What can I say I have learnt at camp? One thing. It's not about me. It can't be about me. It is about Jesus. That is a lofty statement and for most it doesn't mean much. But when you truly understand it means that nothing has the power to take you down. It means things are not dependant on your performance. It means that you can see outside of your circumstances.

If you're reading this and you don't know who this Jesus guy is then I challenge you to find out. I don't mean find out about church or Christians. Find out about Jesus. He is the way. He is the truth. He is the light. You might be in for a surprise...

Take flight

2005-02-23T10:25:00.000+13:00

Sunday, a friend of mine took me flying. The car journey there was the longest 10 minutes of my life and the internal debate of rational vs. excitement was hard won. You see, I don’t' like flying. I don't think I'm scared of crashing; it's more the dubious yet apparently plausible physics behind it. When you fly in large planes it's a much less real experience (for me anyway); You get on this big bus, watch movies for 8 hours and step out into another country.

This plane was tiny, tiny in the way a fiat bambina is tiny, except without as much leg room, and the wind made it look like it was held together with blue tack.
AS my friend went through his well practiced check list, yanking this and wiggling that my internal monologue continued - dramatically enough that tears started to well up in my eyes looking at this large sardine can with wings.

The issue I was battling with was trust. I am the queen of self reliance and control. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like not having control and honestly, I have a hard time trusting people. The fact that I stepped up into that plane I hope he takes as a huge compliment.

Now apart from my unfortunately not outgrown ability to scream like a girl, I learnt two important things on that flight...

1) (which I have to attribute to the pilot for pointing it out) When we, from the ground, look up and see a plane, we see just that, a distant object in the sky. We do not realise that they, in looking back at us, see the fields, buildings, mountains, seaside, trucks, cars, houses etc that surround us. They see not only us as the object but the wider context into which we fit.
I believe that the same can be said of God.
As we look up at Him (sometimes as a distant object) we don’t realise the bigger picture in which He sees us. Not just physically but also chronologically.
It is for this very ability that planes are employed in search and rescue, spotting fires and accidents. Also why, when you want to get an accurate contextual picture you get an aerial photograph.
How then does our understanding of our circumstances change when we realise that God holds the big picture? How much more are we able to trust Him when we begin to understand that He sees what we cannot?

2) The surrender, the relinquishing of control, the trust and the risk more accurately describe the Christian faith for me than the routine, conservative and legalistic faith to which so many Christians subscribe.
God beckons us to come and fly with Him – an act of surrender and trust. Parts of the ride are exhilarating, others breathtaking. Quite frankly there are times when it is just plain terrifying. Sometimes you hit turbulence, bad weather, or you just get plain sick. No matter what happens during flight there are two, I guess three guarantees.
A) God’s love will never leave you nor forsake you.
B) There is a place for you to spend eternity with Him and
C) There is no way you can walk away from it without your perspective changed.

So how am I different today because of this new adventure?

Despite the circumstances of my life, I will trust God for He sees the things I cannot. When He calls I will follow His voice. Where He calls me to be His hands and His feet I will go, but most of all, I will lay down my rights. I will hand over my fears. I will shelter in His arms and trust Him to make me whole.

Long time, no post...

2005-01-28T13:21:00.000+13:00

I thought my rose coloured glasses were pretty well in place and yes the world was a messed up place but it wasn't all bad. Something happened, glasses were ripped off and I was left gagging. I don't think you ever truly understand the horrible things that people do to each other until you are the recipient or someone you love is.

Then I went see the circus. (I seriously considered hiding out and not coming home afterwards.) It was a magical surreal escape, filled with beauty, grace, strength and power. Watching the artist perfoem I almost believed that I could fly too.

How is it that we, as humans, are capable of so much destruction and cruelty yet at the same time can create inexplicable wonders? How can so much evil co-exist with so much beauty? How do hands that create and heal turn in the next moment and inflict pain? And why is it that amongst all this, all that most of us can think about is ourselves?

What's his name from Aussie Idol released that song 'what about me' with the lines in it
"What about me?
It isn't fair
I've had enough,
now I want my share
Can't you see,
I wanna live
But you just take more than you give"

With all that has happened in the last week, I will be honest, I want my share. I want my break. I want to tell people what I think of their behaviour and to stop jsut thinking of themselves for a mintue. Yell and scream at the top of my lungs "I've had enough! What about me for a change?" I honestly feel I have a ligitimate claim to that statement at the moment.

But then I stop, and wonder if this is what Jesus was talking about when he said 'take up your cross and follow me.' I don't get to be justified to the world in this life time. There are somethings that are unfair and will never be righted.

"take up your cross and follow me.' Pick up and carry the very thing that people will crucify you with and follow me throught the crowds. People will shout obscenities at you, they will throw things at you and spit at you. They will not understand what you are doing or why you are doing it, but just keep following me. Run this race with me. I promise you won't regret it. I be your strength, I will be on your left and your right, your front and your back, above and below. Nothing can take me away from you, nor you from me. And this I promise you, today you will be with me in heaven.

2004-10-25T21:33:00.000+13:00

Time for one last photo...

time to say goodbye

2004-10-25T02:58:00.000+13:00

I came, I saw, I ate pizza.

After a... hmmm... well... I won´t say it was a tearful goodbye because didn´t cry till afterwards... I got on my train to Frankfurt where I now wander the airport looking for something to occupy my time. Both Natan and Mchel are now playing soccer games and I awaot the 20 hour flght home. Happy to return but sad to leave frends behind...

Post script...

Now in Singapore... the flight was bearable but now I have to hang here for another 6 hours or so...

For those gettting really excited that I'm coming home, don't get too excited cause I fly out again for another couple of weeks for a course... I promised I would come back and I did...

well worn

2004-10-22T22:46:00.000+13:00

well worn 4
Originally uploaded by Shok.

ever get the feeling you're only just holding it together?

Sex and the city

2004-10-21T02:48:00.000+13:00

Well, not really want I want to talk about but it's what always reminds me of shoes...

I came to Germany to buy shoes. Seriously. I have big feet. I have wide feet. They're great for swimming but suck for shoe shopping. I usually hate it with a vengance simply because it is just down right depressing.

But not today! Today I triumphed!! I had almost given up on this city and it's shoes when even in another language, one look at my feet brought on serious shakes of the head... not even mens shoes....

Until I finally found the Birkenstock shop. Four pairs people. Four pairs. Including a pair of boots! I have triumphed!

And also spent a ridiculous amount of money. Which is what reminds me of sex int he city. i mean seriously how can someone love shoes that much? Have so many pairs and spent so much money? I don't know what her excuse is but I almost fainted when I did the calculation in my head...I kinda forgot about the exchange rate...

But you know what really bought my triumph to a screeching halt? Passing person after person begging on the street for money and me muttering under my breath, apologising for not speaking for german, carrying my bags of shoes...

Nana from Gana

2004-10-20T09:20:00.000+13:00

Today (well yesterday) I made a new friend...

In Koln there are a lot fo buskers and 99% of them are really good.

I passed an African guy playing flute so I chucked him a dollar. He stopped playing and started a conversation, which turned into coffee. He is a very talented muscian and dreams of returning home and started up a kind of orphanage.

There's more to the story but it doesn't really belong on a website me thinks!

Finally, some photos...

2004-10-17T03:15:00.000+13:00

Scroll down to the end and they'll be in chronological order... the comments make more sense too...

2004-10-17T02:39:00.000+13:00

This is the Cologne Dome or Cathedral... I was over 200 metres away and I still couldn't get the whole thing in. It's massive!!

2004-10-17T02:37:00.001+13:00

This is the lake the boys live close too... it's pretty awesome... hell of a long walk around though...my butt still hurts!

2004-10-17T02:37:00.000+13:00

What trip is complete without a couple of clowns...

2004-10-17T02:36:00.002+13:00

Time for another clown...

2004-10-17T02:36:00.001+13:00

A lot of things are taken seriously iin Germany... esp the K9 police force...

2004-10-17T02:36:00.000+13:00

Onwards to the big city... cologne... where public policy says all men must smell nice... (not really but it's a good idea don't you think?) This is me and Mary, Michael's dad's dog. Michael's dad was nice enough to take me on a wlaking tour around cologne, then out to lunch :) We had pizza!

2004-10-17T02:34:00.000+13:00

High on a hill was a lonely goat herd... and now we know where he lives...

2004-10-17T02:33:00.000+13:00

This is Julianna and also my first mode of transport on the autobahn...For those looking for a new vehicle I highly recommend these. The leg room in the front is awesome... and the back is great for those who have none at all...

2004-10-17T02:32:00.000+13:00

Everything is small... the streets, the cars... i think that the mini cooper is classed as a family wagon here...

2004-10-17T02:31:00.001+13:00

Now we arrive in Bamberg... the polar opposite of Chicago...

2004-10-17T02:31:00.000+13:00

Sears Tower... The little buildings you see to the left are only 50 storeys high... do we have any that big in Auckland?

2004-10-17T02:30:00.000+13:00

This was my host family in Chicago, Joan and sproglets.. Seriously, I tried to get them to take a proper photo but they refused!

2004-10-17T02:29:00.001+13:00

From the top of the Sears tower every thing looks little... everything except the way down...

2004-10-17T02:29:00.000+13:00

This is Chicago... with a parking policy after my own heart...

2004-10-17T02:28:00.000+13:00

This is a part of the Crystal Cathedral in Anaheim (the one you see on tele on sunday mornings). It's stunningly beautiful with it's own drive in worship centre and million dollar womens toilet. Ladies, it was sorth every cent!

2004-10-17T02:26:00.000+13:00

This was about as exciting as hollywood got... you see, it doesn't really exist. It's just an urban legend

2004-10-17T02:25:00.001+13:00

Yes, it's as cheesey as it looks!

2004-10-17T02:25:00.000+13:00

Directly on the other side of Rob and why he is leaning ever so slightly to your left is a cliff face of a couple hundred metres... and I mean directly... This was along the pacific coast highway... pretty but not as pretty as our west coast!

2004-10-17T02:24:00.000+13:00

Yes, the blurred image is what you think it is... Jesus: The Action Figure. Comes complete with leper, loaves and fish. Batteries not included

2004-10-17T02:23:00.000+13:00

The beginning of Tash's new fall collection of tradtional american images... not me, the coke truck!

2004-10-17T02:22:00.000+13:00

Santa Cruz Beach... with it's own Boardwalk (I now know what that is) andtheme park...

Photos...

2004-10-16T05:31:00.000+13:00

no power for laptop... not getty photos off camera and on to memory stick... plus havenät found anywhere that will let me stick stuff on their machines.... there will be heaps when I get back... but I promise, not as many as last year!!

Strike that, reverse it.

Got power, got laptop with wireless capabilities... got wireless signal in flat... got internet! And that means photos! Hold tight!

I feel dumb...

2004-10-16T05:13:00.000+13:00

Really, I do. The fact that I only speak one language fluently makes me feel dumb. Sitting through hours of conversation you dont understand, hours of television that you dont understand. Eatign the same food in the super market because you cant tell from the pictures what everything else is makes you feel a little helpless and a little useless... but apart from that it´s cool.

I´m trying to convince michael to come up in a hot air balloon with me but so far with no success.

I ridden bikes more this last week than ni the alst ten years of my life. The first night Natan took me out which was the first time Iäve been back on a bike in ages and I had to try and follow himin the dark, with no street lights, through a flippin forest! It was an adventure and I didnt fall off that time.

Michael and I took a road trip down south where he had to do some work for a couple of hours on behalf of the soccer federation. One the way there we got stuck in traffic on the autobahn for about 90 mintues all because they were trying to get everyone to merge lanes. On trhe way back it was the same except it was some sort of accident. We had to turn off the car for 40 minutes and just sit there so we had a nap.

I also calculated (very roughly) that on average we passed 14.25 trucks per minute coming in the opposite direction... we travelled for 270 mintues onthe way home... that´s over 3800 trucks. It´s not even the main autobahn people!! Plus at every rest stop which I will conservatively say there was one every 20 kms there were between 8 and 20 trucks parked for the night... crazy.

I´m a little home sick now and the guys are working and training quite a bit so I´m having a lot of reflective time.

I have to go home now and decide if I can handle the 16km cycle to midnight soccer tonight... I have a feeling that´s what made me sick last week... hmm... I tell you, this is a crazy country!

Love to you all, and if you see dottie give her a hug from me!

köln... the city of mens aftershave...

2004-10-07T03:39:00.000+13:00

not really but thatäs how you pronounce it.

I arrived here this afternoon to be greeted by Michael´s late Hungerian butler who managed to lose our chauffer... Michael´s dad. Funny thing was, mIchaeläs dad walked straight past me on his search for Natan... apparently he was looking out for someone more kiwi..I promise, I havenät done anything to my hair... yet... (but mum... I diid get my ears pierced again... twice... jstu so I could say I did it in Chicago...)
SOrry about the typing but they gave gfunny keyboards here.

The boys scored the coolest flat. Itäs like an old stlye american farmstead with stables etc... or maybe more english... but anyway, theyx have a little flat int he sceons floor with very cool views of the garden. Michael is at work coahing his kiddies team so Natan has been giving me a tour fo the sports university where they study... itäs quite cool... not as cool as carey though!

Bye bye for now!!

PTL the lord for indoor plumbing...

2004-10-06T05:18:00.000+13:00

Thank goodness for indoor plumbing is all I have to say after Julianna took me clubbing last night with her freinds. We had several hours of dancing to crazy old songs and crazy german songs and numerous guys who refused to believe that I didnt speak german. They also had some of the worst pick up lines... it was like being in primary school again. Anyways... back to the indoor plumbing. After the club closed you had to be really quiet because it was below residential apartments. The guys who were with us started play fighting (as boys do) and the next thing us girls are soaking wet... you see in bamberg, they don´t yell at you to be quiet they just chuck a bucket of water out their window and hope their aim is good enough to persuade the party gooers to move on... it was. Again, thank goodness for in door plumbing!!

Jermany... my first customs search...

2004-10-05T05:10:00.000+13:00

I made to the airport at Chicago and without any trouble got on my plane. It was scary saying good bye to everyone as this is the first part of my journey where I venture out alone. The flight was uneventful and I did manage to sleep for some of it. However the highlight of my travel was German customs... I must have looked stoned cuase they pulled me aside to empty my bags. Now had this been Tere of past this would have been a nightmare but having found in the states these wonderful vaccuum bags for clothes, this was relatively painless. They kept asking me 'what´s this?´ (at least I think this is what they were asking). They were very suspicious of the two sets of 8 ´nooma´dvds, and the 8 cds I had bought at the conference. I shoudl point out at this stage that neither of them spoke english. So for an entertaining (not) 15 mintues or so I tried to explain to them that they were christian teaching resources for young adults - not pirated hollywood movies. I thinkit helped when he pulled out my bible case and said ´what´s this?´. Now, the word for bible is the same in german as it is in english (for that matter so is dvd but they didnät understand that either) and he looked at me blankly for a few moments and then said ´bible?´ ´ja´as I opened it to prove that it wasn´t a very clever way of smuggling drugs.

The funny thing is, that although you know that there is nothing illegal in your bags you get very nervous that somehow something appeared from another dimension just to cause you trouble.

After my flight I had to catch two trains to get to bamberg and I can only put down my success to the grace of God. I got stopped at customs which should ahve made me late but my flight was early. I had carefully written down all the instructions and contacts numbers for Gerd and for Michael and put them in a very special place... when I find that very special place, I´ll let you know. I have the most terrible jet lag after 4 time zones in three weeks and was falling alseep on the train only to wake up after we pulled away from the stop where I would look frantically for a sign letting me know that i´d missed the stop to bamberg.

But thanks to modern technology I was able to kept entertained by texting a friend back home and when I got to bamberg 3 hours late I was able to call mum, wake her up at 5am and ask her to call Gerd for me... ain´t life grand?

Bamberg is beautiful. I get to go clubbing tonight but i´m not sure if I´m going to be able to stay awake... or how you order ´lemon lime & bitters´in german...

The Willow Beast...

2004-10-01T14:16:00.000+12:00

Saw my good friend Bill today... also went to americas largest mall and possible my largest nightmare but we hung out with th e lovely ladies from the JC Penny Salon and had our nails done (just to say we did). You know why all the ladies get those huge great nails? Cause it only cost 26 bucks US (about 40 NZ).

Also had fun telling the host kds about NZ's huge chocolate sheeo dropping export. I even bought them a bag.

count down now 2days till leave the US. It's been a blast but can't wait to leave the tour group and just hang out with some friends!!

Navy pier...

2004-09-30T16:46:00.000+12:00

Could have posted this from navy pier... but we ran out of time. Went on the ferris wheel... pretty cool. Thought I would get freaked about the height but I was sweet. Went on the Seadog speedboat for a habour tour, again thought I woud get sick but was sweet. Apparently I was the first person to ask wher eyou got wet because they wanted to get wet. We went on the 3d/4d time travel thingy which was cool but did make me a bit sick. For the grls... Dd a drve by nto Bloomingdales to pick up free gifts (free when you spend money) very cheap though. For the boys... saw more lmos, hummers and harleys. We wanted to ask wllow if we could brinh our youth groups over just to do donuts n their car park... it s huge....
I'm tired and hungry and after watching Mr 3000, kinda home sick. Don't ask me why.

Ciao for now...

Oh and PS, have fnshed my reading for paper one! Yay! I might make it yet!!

Hi de hey... baby don't you want to go...

2004-09-29T15:18:00.000+12:00

We went up Sears Tower today and it is flipping huge. 103 floors. 2200 steps. You can see for 50 miles on a good day from the top. Wish I could post photos at the moment. We also waw our first star at the airport forgot to mention. Tash stopped Giovanni someoneor other whose starring in a movie lol which I don't know the name of... I'll look hm up later!!

Willow creek is huge but I was kinda expecting that and wasn't overly excited.

That's all for now...

Sweet home Chcago

2004-09-28T17:52:00.000+12:00

Interesting point to note first... the 'i' key doesn't work so well so you'll have to use your imaginations!

Flew nto chcago this evening and met my hosts John and Joan Kelley. We cool people who have an awesome house and i already feel lke I'm gettng the royal treatment (and know 'm not just saying that cause they know about my website and mgh read t some day). 'ts really nce to have a room to myself and be able to do washng!! Haven't seen much of chicago yet but the arport is crazy huge! So is our next rental car. It's a GMC Lexicon or somethng... it make's the chevy look small... pity can't drive t over here :( At the moment I'm trying to repack my luggage cause although I can take 32 kgs from the states to germany, I can only take 20 kgs from germany to sngapore and haven't even been shoe shopping yet!

Leavng Los Vegas...

2004-09-28T17:45:00.000+12:00

well Los Angeles... but couldn't think of aa song ttle.

Woke up ths morning, looked out the window and braced my self for a miserable day. It was grey and 'cloudy', very unlike the weather todate... One word for you... smog. Gross... happy to leave LA behind. San Francsco was beautful but LA s better left to the magnaton...

General Meetings...

2004-09-27T09:48:00.000+12:00

This morning was audio adrenaline... yesterday tobyMac... tonight Steven Curtis Chapman... It's blows my mind. Another thing which is cool is th recognition that they give youth wokers. I just wouldn't happen in the states. This morning we met a woman who s 90 and still in youth ministry. Another man has been in youth ministry for 33 years and has been asked to leave hs job as they no longer feel he can reach teens. He had the two biggest gatherings in the history of the church the week earlier. It brought a lot of us to tears as he was afirmed by the 5000 youth workers at the conference. Americans encourage support and cheer on people in ways that we don't in new zealand and although it's kinda cheesey, it's sad that we can't do th same at home.

Mama Pepe.. my adopted grandma

2004-09-27T09:44:00.000+12:00

In my late night wanderings of th hotel I bumped into this little lost lady who shared my quest for the hotel pool. She i from Madrid but has been here in the states since 1967. She has been married to her husband for 50 years, how amazing is that? I couldn't understand half of what she was saying but apparently she is suing a doctor for 4 million. He mismanaged er drus for bak pin an put her into a coma for 9 days. Another lady under the same treatment died. I can understand her wanting to sue! That's the other funny thin about the states, all the cars slow down for you big time! Let you cross, do what ever. I figure i'ts because if they hit someone, they sue. Crazy...

Santa Cruz... the beginning of the hobbit journey...

2004-09-27T09:37:00.000+12:00

Dan Kimball... pastor of the 'emerging church' Vintage faith looks like JonnyBravo. Seriously. We were billeted out for two nights with two awesome chicks, Danielle and Jenny. Walked the broadway which is a pier abou this long [insert hand signs here] and this wide [insert hand signs here]. It's massive and there were sea lions there!! Plus one of those fairy tale beach side fairs with a little roller coaster. Very cute. We drove for 7 hours along th pacific coast highway (which although pretty does not compare with our west coast) and stopped for photos were Rob stood on a little concrete pillar on the edge of a cliff... photos will be posted later! Some of the houses that were along side the cliffs lookingout to the ocean were spectaclar, like grass lawns on the roof so you can drive golf balls off into th sea.

We arrived at the Hilton, had the car and crashed big time!

So little emailing time so much to write...

2004-09-25T17:12:00.000+12:00

I'm a nice person so I'm not going to hog the free email at the coference. I'm in the hilton hotel in Anaheim LA... just saw Toby Mac live, Dave crowder band is leading worsip, John Ortberg preached... God is blowing my mind... Steven Curtis Capman is on Sunday night... plus TimHuges,Cris Tomlin... it's crazy... America is just like tv... they think our accent is cute... Hollywood doesn't really exist... I've made friends with a Spanish Corporate wife called Pepe who took me out for lunch the other day. We're the only kiwis hereand every time we drive up to valet we get greeted with 'it's the kiwis'... we're known for ot tiping butbeing incredibly friendly. Americans are loud, friendly and genuinely interested in other people. The ones I have met so far are doing a lot to redeem the rest of the country. Tash and I are sharing a hotel room, double bed each :) There's kinda so much to tell and as this is my first braindump I kinda don't know where to start... Hope all is well at home... It's not really real yet but talking to the flaties helped. If you see Dottie give her a hug from me. She shunned me on the phone last night. Love from LA. Tere.

PS post replies and use your names!! It's faster than checking email (but don't get too personal... I've cried enough already!)

2 more sleeps...

2004-09-17T13:45:00.000+12:00

Only two more sleeps to go and I'm off on my USA adventure (with a slight detour to Germany). I'll send out posts to the website as often as I can letting you know how many Americans I've offended, and Germans I've weirded out...

Wish me luck and keep us in your prayers... I dont' really want to be blown up...

2004-09-03T12:33:00.000+12:00

Apparently if you take one home, let it melt, it makes really nice drinking water... you just have to strain the fungus outof it first...

2004-09-03T12:32:00.001+12:00

There's always one who wants a mirror...

2004-09-03T12:32:00.000+12:00

We don't know how he managed to get this far from home but DOC are coming to take him back to the sea soon...

2004-09-03T12:31:00.000+12:00

When in the naki...

2004-09-03T12:23:00.000+12:00

boys in snow...

The Body of Christ

2004-09-01T13:32:00.000+12:00

I brokemy little finger, right? Went to punch the volley ball. Did infact punch the volley ball. However, which we will put down to fatigue, I neglected to retract my little finger and it broke. It hurt too. Three hours in the A&E clinic and a doctor that was hitting on me, later, I am sent home with three of my fingers taped together.

Looking at my fingers the first thing that springs to mind is "what use has my little finger got?". Tangent to the body of Christ verses and you should be able to track where I am going on this. When one of us is hurting the rest of the body suffers (just try changing gears in a diesel with a broken finger). Someof us are just plain broken. Bruised, shattered and swollen. We hurt too much to be of much help to anyone else. Some of us are just bruised. We can help but by ourselves we're still not that stable. And some of us are fine. Stable enough to help others.

All three of my fingers had to be taped together in order for the little one to heal properly. Thus it is in the Body of Christ that we have to do this thing called life together. We are not designed to grow or heal on our own.

And so it is that the day will come when my middle finger needs help, so we will all move from brokenness to wholeness at various stages in our lives...

Life's fair, right?

2004-08-04T14:43:00.000+12:00

Based on class discussion...

Life is fair? Some would say so. Things all balance out in the end and despite the number of heartaches that one might have, the number of times that your heart will surge with joy will soon enough equal. I'm pretty sure I used to think like that. Despite my family back ground and any struggle that I might be facing, I was not a third world kid. I knew where my next meal was coming from and I had a roof over my head. In fact I had so much more. The idea then, picking up Yancey's book, 'Disappointment with God' that one indeed, could be disappointed with God was completely foreign.

Is life really a balancing act? That when we get to the end of it, all things are even? Maybe if you live to 90... Or maybe if you buy into reincarnation. But what about those whose lives are taken early? In war, famine, accident, or foul play? They don't fit the pattern.

I don't think that life is fair. The next statement that many make is 'but God is fair'. God won't give you more than you can handle. I learned of two young children aged 5 and 8 who lost their mother to suicide 6 months ago. Now, I have battled with suicide and battled with depression, but I not been in a place so dark yet that the love of two children was not enough to bring me through. This woman obviously was. Did God get it wrong? Did he give her more than she could handle. It seems she thought so. Another family in my church has a multiple handicapped son who is now an adult. The wife has contracted a muscular disease which is slowly destroying her muscles. Now after years of service to their son they were planning a trip home to England. The first and last chance to return home in 40 years. A few days before the flight, the husband had a heart attack and was hospitalised. They can no longer go on their pilgrimage home. Is God fair?

In desperation to try and understand, in our longing for a loving God, we brush over these questions because they take God outside the box in which we put him. Did anyone tell you when you signed up for this journey of faith that sometimes God wouldn't make sense? That sometimes He would do things or allow things to happen that in our understanding are wrong? Don't get me wrong, there are days I long for a God who is more like a fairy godmother than an all powerful, ever present, all knowing God. But He doesn't seem to want to come to the party on that one. I still don't understand what God was trying to prove with Job, except that maybe (just like when we discipline a child) He sees a bigger picture than we do.

There is another reason that I don't think God is fair.

He loves me. He loves me extravagantly. He loves me to the point of sending his own son, himself, to death. Not just the physical death that we think of but the separation from the trinity. The mystery of relationship between Father, Son and Holy Spirit that are somehow one. Jesus was separated from this at the cross. That is a pain we will never understand.

It is not fair that He loves me this way. It is not justice for I know my own heart. It is not fair that He loves me this way.

So what, then, can you say to someone in pain? What does this family hold on to? In the murkiest depths of human experience, what does our God have to say about fairness?

"My child, I have walked the path before you and I will light the way."

Ever have one of those weeks?

2004-07-28T23:27:00.000+12:00

I have to wonder if someone's out to get me... I have to wonder if I walked under an umberella, through a rabbit's foot over the wrong shoulder or opened a ladder indoors... It has been one of those weeks. Last tuesday my cat died and I have to own up (to my shame) that it was probably partially due to neglect on my part. Saturday night some who shall remain nameless put some"warm" ashes from the fire place into a cardboard box, next to another cardboard box, under a bean bag. We then went out for a few hours (leaving Dottie locked inside) to return to find the box half turned to cinders... the half that was not touching anything else PTL!

Then last night I plugged in my oil heater. I should have reflected a bit deeper on the smell of burning plastic but it was late and I have never been a details person. I woke up to a flash of light and fumes that no amount of absent mindedness could ignore. The wall socket had melted and caught fire. The one next to my head. No major damage at all but I slept on the floor in the lounge last night which meant waking up with a stuffed back and chinese nasal drip torture going on down the back of my throat.

But you know what? I got to hug Tash this week (who is looking stunning). I got to play dress up with the other Natasha for her seventh form ball. Jane and I hold the record for charades guessing Shawshank Redemption inside 10 seconds thanks to Roy. I got to give Dottie a haircut not because of fire damage. And you know what it really boils down to? I didn't die. I'm alive and sniffing and I get to spend the next two days on block course with some well missed mates.

Tis a strange wee life we are expected to navigate through...

'Great Writer'

2004-07-26T17:16:00.000+12:00

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said,

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

'Lipstick in the bathroom'

2004-07-26T17:15:00.000+12:00

A Youth Pastor received an email from the senior highlighting a little problem. Anumber of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leavingdozens of little lip prints.

The senior decided that something had to be done and left it to the Youth Pastor to sort out. The Youth Pastor called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the caretaker. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker who had to clean the mirrors aftereach youth event. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet, and scrubbed the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Ferdinand the Frog

2004-07-26T16:03:00.000+12:00

Once upon a time, there was a frog named Ferdinand. He was really quite old and really quite bald! Although you must promise not to tell anyone. You see, it was a secret.

Ferdinand was bald. Ferdinand was a frog. But none of the towns folk new this. You see, Ferdinand had a wig. It was a large, hairy, muncled* kind of wig. Like something your mother would use to clean the kitchen floor with.

Ferdinand would wear his wig every day and instead of hopping, he would crawl.

Now, he lived at his local pub where he was gainfully employed as a footstool. He would crawl from patron to patron offering his back as a safe haven for wary feet.

Everyone assumed that Ferdinand was some sort of terrier. You know the ones that you would like to drop kick. They offered him doggy treats, bones, patted him and called him Rover.

Overall, it was not a bad life for a frog but he always felt like something was missing... that there was a hole inside of him. A dog shaped hole...

Ferdinand was also dyslexic.

One day, he decided to venture out. To seek the thing that would fill this dog shaped hole. He travelled through villages, towns, boroughs, burgs, cities, centres, ports and plazas. But no one could help him...

Until one day, he met her. Petunia. She was beautiful. She was elegant. She was well spoken and well bred. She was a standard poodle.

She was also not so bright... she too had a hole... she knew it to be a frog shaped hole.

She ate Ferdinand.

*muncled: gnarly, like something you would fine at the back of the broom closet after the cat had been shut in there for a week…

Teenage angst

2004-07-26T15:33:00.000+12:00

I have two boxes left of "stuff". Stuff that has been around for years... photos, italian verb pages, reading guides to the Aeneid, journals, letters and the lot. One of my favourite things is reading back over old poetry, having a bit of a laugh and wondering how I managed to stay so miserable for so long. I found a few that I thought were worthy of publishing. They are not so bad, and I didn't even have to edit any of the language!

How is it that inspiration flows so easy out of pain whether it be the depressive kind or the unrequited kind? Where are you supposed to get your inspiration from if you're neither depressed or in love? Why is it that so often you manage to be both?

2004-07-26T15:28:00.000+12:00

I walk to the waters edge
The waves mirror my rage
And the moon, my solitude

I take a step forward
The water seeps
Slowly taking hold

I don't have to live

Time stands still
The water rises
Icy fingers seducing me

The tide pulls from within
I control
I can't mak it stop

I don't have to live

Stars twinkle
Pin pricks
They don't bleed

The current drags
my soul
my body follows

I don't have to live

The ocean rages
A betrayed lover
Forcing me onwards

I fall

I am caught
I am not alone

The moon looks on
As the sea screams
And I know

I dont' have to die.

2004-07-26T15:14:00.000+12:00

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would it be through hazy mists?
In which I could see your silhouette?
Or would it be in the corner cafe
Where we sit and talk over coffee?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would I ask the colour of Heaven's gates?
And the pitch of the doorbell?
Or would I ask if you were lonely
So far away from home?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would I hear a heavenly choir?
Singing hymns in perfect harmony.
Or would you play your guitar
And sing to me of broken hearts?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would I tell you of world politics?
Cd roms, cancer research and whales?
Or would I tell you of my first kiss,
My first love and my first car?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would you ask me my net worth?
Who I am going to vote or?
Or would you ask of my heart
And those I keep close to it?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would you tell me to invest wisely?
Drive safely and use dental floss?
Or would you tell me to live,
Love and smile?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would you help me with my tax return?
And paying the rent?
Or would you build sandcastles with me
And watch the sun set?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would you see a girl with tear stained cheeks?
Trying to hold her head up high?
Or would you see your little princess
Filled with hopes and dreams?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would I take a photograph?
To keep the memory forever in a frame?
Or would I give you a hug
And keep the memory forever in my heart?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Would you leave me?
Silently while I slept?
Or would you hold me in your arms
And make it all okay?

If I were to see you tomorrow
Could I let you go once more?

2004-07-26T15:13:00.000+12:00

He didn't die a heroes death
They shot him in the head
Before he hit the ground, they say
His eyes cried "I am dead"

1999

2004-07-26T12:34:00.000+12:00

And a stunning canvas she made, at that!

2004-07-26T12:30:00.000+12:00

Natty's 7th form ball... I had the honour of turning her into my canvas...

The passing of a lady...

2004-07-25T17:13:00.000+12:00

Rest in peace my gentle friend...

2004-07-16T12:52:00.000+12:00

Same shot... 8 months later...

2004-07-16T12:46:00.000+12:00

Work in progress... the garage is gone, the deck has been extended and despite me best efforts at gardening, none of the trees have died!

2004-07-16T00:33:00.000+12:00

And you think you have self-control...

2004-07-16T00:30:00.000+12:00

This is my garden... pre-Michael... it's a small but homely jungle :) Didn't realise I had this photo... I'll stick one up of the current state tomorrow :) And maybe... someitme in distant years to come, I'll stick up one of the finished article!

2004-07-16T00:23:00.000+12:00

The view from my bedroom window this evening...

2004-07-16T00:20:00.000+12:00

Auckland has it's moments...

2004-07-16T00:19:00.000+12:00

Drive back from New Plymouth

2004-07-16T00:17:00.000+12:00

Matt, you look so confused...

2004-07-16T00:16:00.001+12:00

The small group

2004-07-16T00:16:00.000+12:00

The Xtend group photo...